My Math teacher once asked me a question, “If triangle has three sides, what polygon has two sides?” Everybody knows there’s none. But I insisted and answered, “Ma’am, a heart, heart-shaped. It has two curve sides meeting at two points across”. I got an x mark after the class and series of laughter along the lobby. My Philosophy teacher asked me the same question the next day, and I answered the same and I got exempted from the final exam.
Sometimes, it’s funny how contradicting subjects in school are. We follow different rules in Math and Philosophy. We follow different set of formula that only a few can be used on our daily living. But that’s not the point. I wanted to just start this letter on that day because it was a very memorable day for me. That day, I saw how everyone threw shame on me except for you in the corner sitting 3 seats behind me. You have probably taught that I had a point, which you know, I think I had. Math just don’t accept it. So you followed me out when the class got dismissed and told me that you were thinking of the same answer. I got enlightened somehow.
So I was thinking right. Your hazel eyes were distracting I must say.
You might not know but all this time, I’ve been adoring that same eyes who looked at me a year ago when we were juniors.
And that’s where it all started.
It is quite strange Landon because you seem to be different from all the people I’ve shared my friendship with. You exactly hit what my dad once told me, that I would meet thousands of people and none of them would matter, and then I would meet one person, and I would feel like my life is changed forever. To you Landon, I feel different, I feel changed. I am moved.
We became bestfriends since then and you always stood beside me on my ups and downs. We jived in a way, which is ridiculous and funny. We are both funny guys I know and logical at the same time, and that makes me happy being with you.
Do you remember the time I told you about my family situation? When people would question me about where I came from, you were always there to support me. You know for a fact that I was an adopted child to gay parents. It was until I was six that I fully understood the situation. I love my parents so much. They taught me how to respect other people in all walks. I still found it weird sometimes though that I have two parents, both a daddy but can both be an instant mommy too. They have different culture: a Filipino and an American- but I loved how they raised me, I learned both. It’s an advantage in a way. I don’t depend on biological roles anyway. it’s just a social structure, you know, impression built by society but not a law. So I didn’t question God. I started to not care about it when I grew up. You know why?… because I met you, and from then I understood what my parents probably felt when they first met, and Math has really nothing to do with it.
I told them about you by the way. And they were thrilled. My Filipino dad was actually the one who pushed me to write this letter for you. He always says that I don’t have to suppress feelings when they are existing. Feelings are meant to be shared, expressed and talked about. So here we go.
I wouldn’t go too far of what I am about to say. I think I kinda like you Landon. I haven’t talked about this identity crisis to anyone else apart from my parents who totally understand me. I think I am gay. You are the third to know, and the first guy to whom I like to say I love you. Isn’t that cute? I know you weren’t homophobic. I see the respect in you and that gives me the courage to say these things. I love you Landon several months after the first time I noticed you in our Math class. I liked you the time you followed me out of the classroom. We used to be bestfriends since then and I hope we would always be afterall.
I love how you walk me home every other day, when our badminton session is over and I love how you groom up and give a killer smile when all else fail. To you, there’s never a question. There’s always an aswer, which added to my attraction to you. I’d like you to know that I am happy having you for I realized my real identity and real place in earth. I couldn’t ask for more. I love you just the way you are. I couldn’t be any happier.
That’s what I thought at least. But the sad part Landon is, I am leaving the Philippines to Australia to get a college degree. My parents want us to move there for good and start a new life. It means I wouldn’t be able to see you in the next few years and that saddens me a lot. This is the first time I feel this strange. We are graduating this May from highschool and my heart is starting to melt like frozen for quite sometime. It tears me that someday, you would realize the same feeling but your hazel eyes would find someone else, probably in the same classroom that once we were, or outside the world, where life is too tough.
In the last three days, I’ve been sobbing a lot. I told my parents about it and they were sorry but happy for I finally realized who really am I. And they you know, their lovestory inspired me to hold on to this feelings and hope that you feel the same way. As you know, my parents just started their relationship online. My American dad was just following my Filipino dad in his blog, the typical journal blogs that we see in the web- that’s where the communication started. They began liking each other and fomally introcuding each other thru email, sometimes skype. That time, my daddy Andrew was in Minnesotta and my other daddy Coco was in the Philippines, and you know Landon, it’s really the feelings, trust and willingness that moved them closer, like the two curve sides in our Math class that meet at one straight way- the heart. That’s what they have that polygons never had.
Daddy Andrew taught daddy Coco how to be independent and Dad Coco taught Andrew how to live a life with smiles and positivity. I see love everyday. I see effort and sacrifice. I see smiles on their face as they raise me. I get the same warmth of embrace. Me, my two dads and you would make a perfect holiday somewhere out of the world.
In the last three days, I would find myself alone in the park, watching kids playing with balloons and flying kites and I wished you were there. I would find myself sitting on a bench before the green meadows trying to stop the sunset to rest, but it just won’t stop. And day by day, I am getting weaker inside.
I sometimes pictured it out. You know.., me and you, you and me… like how my two dads were. But I know I would only have a small chance. I don’t know, sometimes you feel like confessions really would mean a luck; that you either get the chance or bury your feelings forever. I fear of the latter. There would always be fear I know, greater fears are about to come for sure and I’m willing to taste fear at its greatest, just to let you know of this love.
And so to conclude, I love you. My parents already love you. Today is the 8th of April, the same day last year that I walked out of our Math class and you followed me. I am proud to say you are the other half of the curve side I’ve been looking for. I just hope that we meet at the two points across forming a heart… a love… a different kind of shape that polygon never had.
What do you think Buddy? I will be waiting for your answers.
The letter above was written from the first person point of view of Stefano, the supposed and soon-to-be name of my future adopted son, with my partner Andrew. To both, my love is all for you.