Letter no. 42: Spaces in Between

“In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance.”
– Jeanette Wintersontumblr_lizuq0oLbd1qgbj75o1_500

Dear Michael,

I sticked a note on his bed while he was sound asleep. I couldn’t say personally how sorry I was about our argument last night. My lower body wanted to stay and please him all day, but my upper ones were so much decided to grasp some air. The sun was up giving our naked body a sweet gleam through small spaces of the dark drapes. I knew it was time. As the clock ticked to seven o’clock, the gravity pulled down the tears I couldn’t contain. It dropped down to my red cheeks to my crumpled fist while I looked at his innocence. There were no words, and for a few minute of analyzing his face, my feet walked away of solitude then I shut the door without hesitation.

I stood with the throng waiting for the lights to turn green. It was a bit crowded. I hummed through Sam Smith’s “Stay with me” and felt the mixed emotions deep within. I isolated my mind despite the street noise. It had never been such a lonely morning.

I counted down with the red lights. 35 seconds to go before I could cross.

Everyday of my life, I would cross the same street with him. I would never get afraid of the world’s judgement as I hold his hand on the same pedestrian. We would laugh at random thoughts and sightseeings. We would step and count the lines as we cross on the pedestrian lane. There were 62 white lines to be exact, 62 steps to reach the other side.

25 seconds…

Memories flashed back. It was a sweet affair. But like all relationships. There were misunderstandings. There were pesonality tests, and like academic tests, there were cheating and sneeking. There were honesties, forgiveness and forgetting. It was a rollercoaster ride. It wasn’t easy but wasn’t difficult too when you understand and learn each other’s heart.

20 seconds.

Like all the types of rides, we sometimes need space… like boundaries, and limits and walls and isolation and getting lost. It wouldn’t mean bad. Space defines existence. It is the same space that gleamed our naked body on the realm of dark curtains, the same space that measures the distance of everyone on the throng waiting for the lights to turn green… the same space that makes pedestrian stripes countable… that for every 62 white lines, there were 61 blank spaces in between.s-BREAKING-UP-large

15 seconds.

I hugged my sling bag and waited for the lane to be vacated so could reach the other side. Cars went on chasing each other side by side, swiftly passing by against our still being.

10 seconds.

“I just need space. We both need space”, the note I left on his bed read.

5 seconds.

I knew for sure we needed space, like every car needs so they wouldn’t bump against each other, like for every red lights there’s green so every wheels could give way to a lost feet. And that’s one thing I learned from traffic lights. You need to learn how to give way, how to wait for your time or risk crossing to find out you’d be hit and stumble broken.

1 second.

I finally stepped on the flat pavement and crossed the pedestrian lane…It was time to cross. My heart beat fast as the distance from the shut door to where I was grew longer. It was different. I wasn’t holding someone. I wasn’t laughing at random thoughts. And unlike the old ways, I didn’t count the white lines, instead I counted the blank spaces in between, and there were 61 of them as I reached the other side.

Lovelots,
Coco

Letter no. 41: A Suicide Note

 download (1)2 days ago, I was phoning to my friend Jackson. We were happy catching up. But just six hours ago, the wheel of fate paused spinning and he was caught downside lying physically broken, filled with blood on K9th Street. He had just flown down from the 28th floor to escape life, at least that’s what I thought. And all that’s left is a suicide note that moved me and kept me staring at my laptop for quite a while.

Dear Michael,

On the 23rd of August, just 2 days ago. I was talking to a dear friend Jackson whom I hadn’t spoken to for a while then. We were catching up about life and what’s going on with everything. There was so much difference in his voice, like he seemed disturbed. I had known him as a guy who wears the sweetest smile and who had embraced a positive life. He had a good life, a great career in advertising field, surrounded by beautiful friends, and had grown an independent life since we graduated from college. He was the proudest gay who had a fruitful perspective on living normally as the others. I had not spoken to him until that time and learned that he was engaged to his partner situated somewhere Canada. He was telling me about his partner named Josh, who’s working in a bank specializing in figures and how everything started and end up on an engagement. It was true love I knew and I was happy for him the whole time we were talking. It was a surprise call I didn’t know would lead to a premonition.

On the 24th of August, yesterday, he sent me a text message if he could meet me at the church by around 9am. I was worried. I asked if something was wrong and he just replied with a sad face. It just so happened I had an appointment meeting that time booked prior to his message so I texted him I wouldn’t be able to drop by but promised to free my sched on the afternoon. I never heard from him.

Six hours ago, I woke up feeling dizzy. I checked my phone and got a message from Jackson. “I sent you an email last night. If one of these days I’m gone, let Josh know I love him so much.” I hurriedly checked my inbox feeling nervous and tensed and I got a suicide note which he allowed me to publish. August 25, 2:00 AM he wrote:

“My friend,

Don’t consider this a suicide note. It is not. I call it a escape note. The only difference is that, I’m not coming back. This is a message I sent to special people whom I know would understand me. I don’t know what awaits me after doing this but I know it would totally break me free from thoughts. I have been depressed these past few weeks. I often heard people saying suicide is not the answer to your question, and that it’s never gonna help you mend, but I know it’s the end. No one knows what’s out there but maybe I’m just too pissed yet excited to know what’s really out there. Like what is the point of being good when you are surrounded by bad.

I have always thought that love is the greatest feeling and should rule the world. I had four of it, and it all ended the same way- painful, tragic, abusive. People say we need to be hurt to realize the real meaning of love and for us to be careful next time. Well I say I have invested enough and have understood so much to find out in the end that people just make promise by word and not by action. That all the words that have said are just to benefit the present time. In reality, when it comes to love, some people are just really selfish, some don’t care too much or at all, some pour it all up and some just give it all in. I had it all managed at times. I balanced everything.

He says I’m a great person, but guess what, he just turned me down. When he says I’m a great person, he means I deserve someone else. What feelings in the world could have been more painful than breaking an -already-broken heart? Why do people think selfishly. Doesn’t he realize that he is needed and that someone out there is busy supporting and taking the time to love him.

downloadHe’d say I deserve someone better, but the truth is, my heart never looks for any better when it’s contented with him. I have loved him in his lowest and highest points and I guess it’s just fit to say I have loved him as both by fate and by choice.

Love begins at attraction. Love begins at butterflies and colorful flowers we know that. That attraction grows. You see the good and the bad ones, the rest is all a choice. We all live by choice and I hate it when people make promise, build bridges and ruin afterwards just because they just don’t wanna walk on that bridge anymore. The crash is unbearable. When it’s grown bigger and hopes and plans are built, and it crashes, the casualty becomes bigger, and you were left mending alone and fixing those casualties, and then u see yourself back to square one. It’s a cycle and it’s tiring.

The hardest part of loving my friend is when you are talking to silence; that you’ve exhausted all the possible words you could say and you hear nothing; that you keep asking for a thought from him and you’d hear nothing. That you are left with scattered clues and ended up fuzzy. People say don’t overthink too much, but I say don’t underthink too less. It’s not overthinking, it’s expressing concern, that you are always there. People say give it some time and don’t judge. I never did judge, and my worry in giving it some time is that love might fade. People keep insisting the idea of trust, I have always trusted. In fact, I overtrust, but talking to silence isn’t working anymore.

He’d say, it’s never gonna work out because we were oceans apart, but I say, why have we started it in the first place? The answer: It’s because we once believed in the premise of love, that no matter how hard it is, there is always power of sacrifice, of suffering. It has always been a choice to believe. I don’t know what have gone wrong. It’s like he lit a flame, we enjoyed the fire, it conflagrated bigger and I was left killing the tragedy and fixing the casualty. I don’t know, he must have died with the ashes.

Friends like you would always be friends, but you will never feel what I feel ever. They’d say friends are meant to be there but I say, there’s always a digital divide. The truth is, we all have our own lives, and that we make sure it’s all fine before someone else’s lives are. That’s my mistake, I cared more for him rather than my own life because that’s what he taught me before. It’s selfless love.

I’ll be dead in a few.

Find me and my cold body somewhere along the pavements of K9th Street and I’ll see you sometime when your wheel stopped spinning. By the time you’re reading this, I might have flown and escaped.

Tell Josh I have flown, crossed the oceans and watching him.

Broken-free,
Jackson.

*******

I could barely breathe after reading his note. I was hoping it’s all a bad dream. But that’s the truth. That’s the truth. Depression can kill.

2 hours ago, I rushed my way to K9th Street to see Jackson. I drove my way to the end of the street as I don’t know his exact address. I saw nothing but a peaceful village filled with children playing on the street. I double checked the signs to make sure I’m on the right street, and yes I was on the right street. I didn’t wanna think it was a joke or something. Until I got another text message from an unknown number.

“Coco, this is Jackson’s mom. See me at the Capitol hospital room 855. Jackson tried to commit suicide on his room, luckily, the maintenance personnel had saved his life. I’ll explain when you get here.”

From then I knew he was safe. I drove my way to the hospital.

I am writing this letter while looking at his fainted face beside his bed.

God still wins even on darkest hours.

Dont wait for love, make it.

Lovelots,
Coco

  JACKSON 25, ONCE MENTIONED THAT HE IS COMPLETE HAVING JOSH IN HIS LIFE. HE IS NOW MENDING PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY IN AN INSTITUTION FOR DEPRESSED PEOPLE.

Letter no. 40: Keeping up in a Long Distance Relationship

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Only few out of many long distance relationships survive. Let’s admit it. One thing that differs LDR from other kinds of relationship is its tendency to be either weaker or stronger depending on how you connect; but a remedy can always be pulled of to keep the relationship smooth for as long as you mutually understand each other.

At the end of the day, it’s still up to the level of your understanding and passion to go on. No kinds of relationship would survive if it isn’t mutual. Here are a few tips for you to keep up in a long distance relationship. I’d like to disclaim though that this is still case to case basis but generally speaking, it may help.

  • Communication is a must.
    Let me clarify though that communication has certain frequencies. We are not talking about hours or days or every other minute in specific but I must say not too long like months or years. Remember that communication is the only way you can connect to him or her. A lot could happen in months. You can come up with an agreement on when to communicate and talk. Every other day or twice a week wouldn’t hurt. We have lots of ways to deal with communication nowadays- skype, email, social networking, mobile applications, etc. Leave a message if there’s no time for communicating face to face. You have to consider time zone (if your loved ones are located outside the country).
     
    Communicate with feelings.
    Whenever you two are talking, make every second a moment to reminisce and remember. Trascend your love and show expression of love, gesture of happiness and appreciation. If talking on phone, express it through the tone of your voice or when your’e talking on videos, a gesture of kiss or wink or anything you can think of wouldn’t hurt. It’s a video after all so let the person think as if you’re talking face to face, physically present to each other.

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  • Don’t draw judgement.
    We sometimes have the tendency to be paranoid or draw judgement on what’s going on the other side if we haven’t communicated for a while. If the love you’ve invested is real, pure and sincere, you have nothing to worry about. Believe me, don’t think about it too much, but don’t come to the point that you’re thinking about it too less, that wouldn’t make a difference. Give general updates to avoid paranoia. Don’t draw judgment until he/she talks to you about the delay.Most of the time, this is one of the major causes of LDR failure, so avoid it as much as possible.

    Solve problems through call or videochat, not through SMS.
    Another cause of misunderstanding is when you two talk about sensitive topics through SMS or solve an issue through SMS or instant messengers. Remember that a simple messsage can be decoded differently on the recipient’s side. A simple “I’ll talk to you when I have the time” can mean either he/she doesn’t have the time now, or he’s dealing with a situation that can’t be talked about now, or there’s something you need to talk about on the right time.Another weakness is that, you would have a tendency to look back at it when things go wrong in the future, and it might cause another issue.Delete messages of reconciliation, problem solving rather talk about things on call or videochat, in that way, you would clearly decode the message you are conveying to each other.

  • Be honest. Integrity dear.
    It’s basic everyone must comply with. If you feel something is wrong, tell it directly and solve the issue at the end of the talk. You have to remember that it takes the two of you to tango, it’s not healthy to keep emotions inside. If a problem arises, no matter what it is, keep grounded by love. Nothing in the world can’t be solved without talking properly.
  • Look forward and not backward.
    Always move forward. Count the days you’ll soon be together rather than counting the days of how long have you been apart. Always consider the future as this eases your longingness. Or just don’t count on the days at all. Just count the ways.

    Progress even if you’re apart. Act independently.
    It’s not an excuse to stop doing what your’e doing and back out of your plan when you’re apart. Always remember to keep relationship at your priority and keep it along with your priority or dream as an individdual. Being apart doesn’t stop you for being supportive of your loved ones’ dreams. Your life doesn’t also revolve on the two of you specifically. Handle things according to priority but make sure your relationship will always get along with yourself’s. If you dream of being a chef, or a teacher or go some places someday, believe with it and do it. What I’m saying is, you don’t have to be too dependent to your partner, take action on your dreams and let your partner be an inspiration. Support each other. Include him/her on your plan too. Remember that you are fulfilling your dreams for your future family, to build a strong stable self.

    Keep positive thoughts and believe in premise of love.
    Positive vibes/thoughts are always helpful. Be firm and continue to love. We all believe that love begins at attraction; can be a physical features, a character, a deed you won’t forget, a conversation or something you two jived about. And the rest is a choice. You got attracted at first. You fired up the interests. You let it flame with emotions. It conflagrated to commitment and the rest is your choice to keep the fuel alive and passion burning. if you don’t do anything, it would stop at a certain point. The fire will turn into ashes and that ends your relationsip. The challenge is for you to keep it burning.

    Love begins at attraction, and the rest is a choice.

Lovelots,
Coco

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