Letter number 4: Conversation With my Ex (A sequel to letter no. 3)
Have you ever set someone free for the sake of love? When you once got caught in the situation, did u cry because it ended or smile because he/she happened? By reading the following love triangle letter, you are suppose to fill in the blank: “Real love is when… (A. …you are setting him free for a better happiness or; B. you are fighting for chances that you are his better happiness). Make your choice.
Play this as you read.
It’s been awhile. I haven’t updated you yet about my heart condition, I didn’t mean medically. Two years had swiftly passed, yes, it’s been that long since I last held his hand. You know that after him, Pierre, my now ex boyfriend, no one follows. I mean I couldn’t find myself loving again another man, you know, caring again for the second time, those were just the days. He’s just too perfect that no one can exceed thru, we were just perfect. I am not saying he’s the last I would love, forgive me at least for now when I say yes. There are times when I missed him, which makes things normal. I missed how he smiles, that eases the blues. I missed our hotness, our coldness and our diary. The last time I checked, he’s getting married, this June, and the word “marry” means forever, means I could never have him for a lifetime. I admit that I haven’t moved on that much (God damn, it’s been 2 years, what do I need, century?”) but partly, I accepted the fact that we really could never be. I have forgiven.
After Pierre, I focused more on my career. I suddenly forgot to seek for real love, care, attention and all that stuff. My last relationship taught me to be more matured enough. After Pierre, no one follows. There are people I met in between, but none of them surpassed the feeling I had with Pierre. There’s Matt, who never ate lunch without his mom; there’s Kristoff who’s a night owl, always sleeping during daytime; there’s Mihr, whose only there when he needs someone to talk to, and none of them was Pierre. I know Michael that it’s bad to compare, I know that. I am aware that I should never compare Pierre to anyone else coming along the way. I just couldn’t help it.
I used to believe in love, I used to define it as a phase as I mentioned in my previous letters, and I know there are phases that last long. Unfortunately, ours ended painfully. I mean we had a good closure but it just hurt, like my universe conspired. He was my choice but I wasn’t his. Being in one side of the triangle felt like riding in a seesaw alone, it’s always down. Now I don’t wanna mention it again… those were the days.
You know that after our painful break up, there were months without communication, just to move on. I remember he promised me, he even wrote it in a piece of paper, that yes he’s moving on, he might move in too, but he would never move away. With that statement, I felt loved, it secures friendship in the right time, it gives a vow that even he gets married, he would still be there for me. He also said that I would be the last man he would love, his first and his last. I don’t want to believe that cause I know everything changes. I know someday he would find and love another man again despite of being married. Our phase is over… at least that’s just what I thought, until one night of coincidence happened.
Past eight in the evening, I was walking along the meadows of Ayala Triangle when a guy in purple shades caught my attention. I recognized the shades. That was mine. I wasn’t wrong, and whom did I give it to? Two years ago, to Pierre and yeah, I saw him coming, smiling (oh that smile), spreading out his hand (that’s what he does as a gesture of “hug me”)while jogging towards me. I could never believe who I just saw, and all I can remember is that we hugged for minutes and excitedly ran over to grab a coffee, talk, talk and talk in Bo’s coffee. We had that perfect moment. Pierre and me, just the two of us, reminiscing the old times, reading each other’s eyes, non stop smiling, giggling over old jokes. We had fun.
We played our favorite game: The Q and A.
There was a moment of silence before he asked a question.
Pierre: How’s my boo? How are you? Are you dating now?
Me: One at a time… Which one would you like me to answer first?
Pierre: Don’t reply me with a question, it’s not your turn to ask yet. Answer it all… hahaha.
He never failed to make me smile. That’s how he is, witty.
Me: Well, your boo is doing great and I .. am dating now… I mean… ahm.. I am dating YOU now. I call this a date. I mean don’t get me wrong, a friendly date. haha.
Pierre: (Smiling for the nth time) Yeah… oh come on, haha… I love your answer. That’s safe.
Me: Now my turn… I wanted to ask a very delicate question… I know that you feel great this time of your life, great career, loving family, a nice wife (he frowned at that part) I mean you are at your peak. I am happy for you, you know that… but… are you happy?
Pierre: Uhm.. (long moment) Yes… of course. Thank you. You should be too.
I can see it in his eyes that he’s not.
Me: Great! (looking nowhere)
Pierre: Follow up question, are you dating someone else these days?
Me: Do I look like I’m joking?
Pierre: Why don’t?
Me: I’m just tired of relationships. I just couldn’t find another man like you… I mean… before… two years ago.
Pierre: I don’t know what to say…
His eyes went red and he just stared blankly at me. I knew I had to lighten up the mood a little bit. I should have not said that.
Me: I can’t believe I said that. I’m sorry… Do you believe that somehow, along the way, I would find the right person for me? that everyone is destined to have a partner on earth? that no one dies of aging without someone else to grow with?
Pierre: Yes boo. We used to say that its destiny that led us to friendship and choice why we elevated to relationship. I learned from our relationship that without destiny, you can never make any choice. Just like today, we are destined to see each other and it’s our choice to talk. Who would know that sometime in our life, at this very hour, we are both here, and now we are talking. I might have been in another place hadn’t I chosen to jog around and have a good time. You see. You are here because you are destined to meet me and your choice to ask me this question. But you know… don’t waste your time waiting.
Me: What do you mean?
Pierre: You should not just wait. At least you should do something. Great relationships doesn’t just come. You don’t have to just sit there and wait, cause sometimes, during our waiting, we don’t notice that love passes by, cause our thinking is just to wait and see when the right time comes. Right time will never come if your mind is closed to such possibilities, it could be now. Put it this way, what if the man destined to you is also waiting? You are both waiting and suddenly it’s the end of the world, you can’t stop it and ask for more time. It’s different in a gay world Boo, it’s like everyone is waiting. Unlike hetero relationships where man is destined to seek and woman is destined to say yes or no. In a gay world, you have to both seek and say yes and no. It’s just a matter of compatability.
I finally understood the point. He was somewhat correct. I realized at that moment that I should not just wait and do nothing. Sometimes, love can be found by being outgoing, by attending parties, by playing badminton with colleagues one hot afternoon, by updating my facebook profile, by drinking alone in a crowded bar, by smiling at strangers… and sometimes, by posting a note like this, letting everyone know how I feel.
I sipped coffee before the next question.
Me: Thanks, I got yah. How’s your life? I mean married life?
Pierre: I should say balanced. Not too happy, but not sad either.
By looking at his eyes, I know why.
Me: I wish I could reach the point of marrying a girl in the future… (giggle). I just couldn’t imagine that. Haha… I don’t know probably at one point in time, my feelings would change, that one day I would wake up and suddenly I want a girl, and I won’t last the day without finding one knowing the other day, I can wake up again with changed feelings. You know what I mean? Did you just feel it? That you need her over me? I’ll bet it’s not destiny anymore, it’s your choice. No offense.
Pierre: You’re right. You know, I was sorry. I just felt that I was struggling too and I realized I can’t live a day hurting someone in the future. At some point in time.., in my time, I have to choose and in that point in time, I have you and Megan. And your turn will come, or you never knew it happened already, like probably sometime in the past, there was me and someone else, and you chose me and that someone else felt the same way you felt on our break up.
Pierre: What’s that your’e holding? (pointing to my phone I was holding that time)
Me: This is a phone.
Pierre: Yeah I know I’m not retarded, I mean why do you keep pressing it after every minute. I’m probably interrupting you. Are you gonna see someone tonight?
Me: Ah.. nah, na-ah (ignoring what he just said). I am not. I suppose to go home already. So how’s Megan? Is she pregnant?
Pierre: I don’t know. She never mentioned anything yet. I guesss I am not ready to be a father yet. Parenthood is a totally different stage. Can I confess?
Me: Yes. What’s it? Is something bothering you?
There was a long moment of silence. He turned his attention to the green meadows. I could feel something wrong. I could feel the weight in his heart. His face went red. He turned back to me and stared at my eye for so long. Suddenly, tears rolled down his face. Quickly, he grabbed my right hand, held it tight, pressed it tight. I could feel burden. It was unexplainable.
Pierre: I…. ahm. I…
Pierre: I.. I missed you… Why are you not responding to my emails?
Me: I haven’t checked. …I missed you too. Is it necessary? Your not mine anymore.
Pierre: I’m sorry. I just I think I can’t stand it. I feel bad that I couldn’t say how exactly I feel to anyone in the house. Don’t leave me. You know that no one knows that I am bisexual. I am afraid to come out. It’s just so heavy inside. My parents would judge me. I have a wife. I am a coward, a complete coward. I am sorry to bother you.
He sniffed like a child, crumpled my hand.
Me: I know. I won’t leave you. I would be your good friend. Anytime you need. I am not against your belief but by the time you need to let them know who you really are, I’ll stand by your side. Call me and we’ll both let them know…. I once told you, once a gay, forever a gay, believe me… it’s true. You can’t make swan a duck. No matter how you escape, no matter how hard you say you are not, it will haunt you. Cause there’s more of being gay, it’s something innate that people don’t understand. It’s neither a feeling that can change, one day you are happy, one day you are sad. It’s not like that, it’s one day you are gay, forever you are, no days your’e not. Even if you are married with dozen kids, it ain’t a proof of straighthood, it’s just a form of denial.
I paused for a long second. I wasn’t a preacher to say this. He knew it. He finally grabbed a word to say.
Pierre: I know. I’m haunted now.
After sometime of logical conversation, we parted ways. It felt great. I felt so light. On my way home, I couldn’t get him out of head. He was in trouble. He would need me in the future as much as I would need him to fill the empty space in my heart. What if one night, he comes out and ruins their family dinner with shock. How would Megan feel? Is this something we can just totally forget? Would we just let his heart suffer for a lifetime? I found the logic, it’s like burrying a live swan six feet under, through the years, it’ll be dead. Will I be too evil to take the place of saying what Pierre’s sexuality is towards his parents?
Michael, I am caught in the middle. I don’t know if I can extend my string to wait for Pierre to come out. I don’t know if I should stay or leave him alone with his problem knowing I am one of people he trusts. I am thinking that he might be really destined for me. That encounter must be a sign for me to wait. Okay. I got it. But wait, on the other hand, WHAT ABOUT MY PERSONAL HAPPINESS? Michael, I just have one conclusion for you; Is he worth the wait?
P.S You might be thinking how I come up with the conversation script. Remember, that night, I was holding my phone. Pierre noticed that. And guess what, I was recording the whole conversation. =) I didn’t tell him that.
“Cause there’s more of being gay, that even if you are married with dozen kids, it ain’t a proof of straighthood, it’s just a form of denial.”
QUESTION MARK FOR YOU TO BREAK:
“Do you believe that being gay is something you can totally forget?”
If you got the message and are Michael enough to break the question mark, then share your thoughts of the above letter and be featured as the next response letter. Just send your letters to firstname.lastname@example.org and be yourself read by others who have probably got the same thoughts.
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Song titled: “A love song” performed by Reuel
Photo lifted from: frontporchpoetry-janet.blogspot.com/2011/02/lonely-man.html