Letter no. 9 Page 1. Marcus: Angel of Love
“I spread my wings not to fly, but to search.”
6:30PM, Starbucks, Tomas Morato St.
Oh God this is difficult.
I could have gone to a bar to have some beer instead of being here, sipping coffee with these two. I wanna be drunk. Right now. I never thought that break ups would be this painful, never. Peace of shit so to speak. Well anyway he had no choice, I understand that marrying a girl is the final decision even for some of bisexual men. It’s a choice… a safe choice. I think I am aware that it will happen, I wasn’t just ready I guess. I felt as if I was left behind, like a broken edge of a triangle.
Today, I am 2 hours old detached from him. In the next 2 months, he’ll vow in church with Megan. We broke up 4:30 just lately. It struck me., like crazy. It was so sad, I still feel sad. I can’t help but think of what happened two hours ago. We were at our favorite place when he delivered the news.
And this song was in my head.
Pierre, my now ex-boyfriend, and I, excitedly met again in Glorietta 5, Chef D’ Angelo restaurant, just for a talk and to fill in the gaps of not seeing each other for days. It had been our ritual to see each other at least once a week to celebrate our relationship despite our hectic schedules. He works for an IT company somewhere near the place. And so we shared things that happened on our busy week, ordered our favorite pasta and my favorite strawberry cheesecake. The ambiance was peaceful, just private to talk about what’s going on between the two of us. He would often smile. He would just grin whenever I hit funny jokes. I did my all to make that moment special, cause that’s how we were always. But earlier was different. He was so pale.
I was so damned frozen when he cried suddenly and dropped the last bite of cake, uttering the most dazing phrase: “We finally decided… I mean Megan… to settle..”
None of us dared to speak. I just took the moment trying to absorb what he had just said.
“Settle? What do you mean, your’e getting married? When? How? Are you even happy?” I finally said.
“I’m sorry.“, that’s all he replied.
“…and that’s it? Do you think a sorry would mend me?”
“We’ve talked about this right?”
“Yeah right, and none of what we’ve talked about was clear to me. Tell me, are you happy?”
God knows we were involve in a forbidden relationship. He has a girlfriend, Megan, but due to the urgency of confusion, I became the second best. The once experiment I thought who would let him realize what his preference is. But love grew as we went along. I was wrong. I wasn’t an experiment. He loved me at the same time as he loved Megan. Not until earlier, 2 hours ago.
“I am. I love Megan.“, he said.
And thoughts rumbled to the slow beat of the 80’s song playing on the background:
“It takes sometime… God knows how long…
someday I’l try to forget them.. as soon as my heart stops breaking.”
Tears ended that meeting, and lots of it. I left the place with a heavy heart and confused mind. I called my bestfriend and she’s quick thank God.
I was still lost. I arrived early though at this place. Whenever I feel bad, Starbucks would be one of my stress relievers. I entered the glass door, fell in line to the counter while my head was left at the restaurant. While in line, there was this guy in his late twenties, that was an eye catch, sitting not so far from the counter near the glass window. He’s so gorgeous in his suit. Plain white long sleeve with navy pants and leather shoes. He’s looking nowhere and I noticed a glimpse of tears in his eyes. Intresting. Something strange went on inside me. In this world, probably it wasn’t just me who was suffering from pain at this hour. I fell in love with his eyes. Age check, I’m 24, not so young and not so old. I gazed at him once more while waiting on the qeue to be served. He’s like an angel, almost at least, his nose was perfectly bridged down to his manly mustache. His every sip of coffee felt like I was being kissed. A minute passed and I found myself still staring at the guy, not until somebody interrupted
“Sir, Can I take your order now?” … and when I looked back the line, all eyes were on me, some of them were like rolling round already.
“Yes sorry for the long thought. See your flavors here make me think thrice. Honey glazed doughnut and Venti frapuccino mocha. That’s it for now.” I reasonably said to the barista.
I was half shy when I looked everywhere and noticed a single available seat near the guy. And there’s one more at the right which was quite far and the view wasn’t nice. I pretended as if it’s the last seat and with all confidence I finally sit.. yes I sit near him.
I opened my laptop, wore my earphones, pretended that I was doing something and started my doughnut.
“Cafe’s these days aren’t just for relaxation. It’s like a place for burnt, wifi parasites or broken hearted.” I heard someone said.
Surprised, I looked just behind and yes.. it’s him who’s talking. He’s with no one so I wondered whom he’s talking to.
“Excuse me?“, I said.
“Do you agree?” he insisted, his eyebrow grew wider.
“Yeah! I guess”., with a capital Y.
“I’m Daniel… and you are?“, he asked.
“Waiting for my bestfriend actually.” I answered back.
“Clever.. haha.. Frapuccino..? hhmmm too bad for skinny like you. It’s too acidic.”, he said.
“I know, thanks for the trivia but it’s not helpful at all, I’m Marcus.”
He smiled and I melt for once, and then there was silence.
He cleared his throat and started the casual conversation.
“Hey look at that boy. Let me guess, that student sitting near the door, hey come on look at him, you see that boy over there, he’s like cramming to finish his thesis and haha, he’ll not march on time. Watcha think?” He laughed.
What were we now?, close? I asked myself, but I rode the conversation.
“What are you now, a fortune teller? haha, I’m not sure. I don’t even know him. We don’t know yet. And who knows, by the way, what’s the point, what’s your game?”
“None, sometimes things happen pointlessly… and that’s the point.” He answered.
“You have a point” I realized.
“Why are you here? In which specie of coffee addict I mentioned earlier do you belong.” he said.
“Broken hearted..” I replied.
I blamed myself for the sudden feeling. I got easily caught. I didn’t like the feeling for God’s sake. A man like Daniel is into girls, just like my exboyfriend. He’s the same as Pierre. I calmed my mind. He had this appeal that was honestly hard to resist. I erased Pierre out of my mind. I had to move on. Daniel whispered, and this time I felt as if he’d like me talk to him or something.
“Dare to talk about it?” He asked.
“No thanks. It’s over and there is no sense to talk about it. What for? To realize what could have been done?” I said in soft tone.
He had no reaction.
This man was a total cravings. Whenever he would look nowhere, I would look at him and analyze his every details. He was damn sexy.
Minutes passed, Claire, my bestfriend, arrived, grabbed a seat beside me and the three of us found ourselves staring blankly at each other.
The man in front of me captured my heart. Love at first sight may be real, how could love in the first place be true. I was just gay, a loser in every ends, who loved another man more than my life. Daniel was getting me crazy. He had the perfect smile of all the guys I met before. A smile that could could melt a heart, and could mend a broken heart. What I felt at that time was probably just a huge pysique crush, and something in me wanted to get to know him better, better than just a stare or something.
“And why don’t you introduce me to your bestfriend?” Daniel said.
“Yeah Claire this is Daniel, my new found friend and Daniel, this is Clare my long time bestfriend.”
They reached each other’s hands and gee I was afraid that something else might be established between them. It’s a no way. My bestfriend should not admire the same person I just met and want at the same time. It’s a rule I just build lately, right at that moment. I stared at Daniel, and he’s staring at Claire, I looked at Claire, and she’s staring back like a monster. And at the back of my mind, I was like “What the hell, Claire, we are here and suppose to talk about what happened to me 2 hours ago. You suppose to comfort me because I am broken hearted, and now you are flirting?” On the inside I felt another competition rising. Claire sipped her coffee, I looked away and Daniel… I didn’t know and I didn’t care. What I knew was that I liked him and I wanted to know more about his background. How his life was going on. How’s his wife. I even lost the chance to ask him if he really has a wife. What’s going on in my mind was how to make him mine. I mean that’s too selfish at the first time. How to get closer to him would prolly do
Tik Tak Tik.
“So, are you guys acquaintance? I mean, do you like go here together and supposed to meet me or, are we even gonna talk about Pierre, or what. Are you ok?” Claire warried me in a low tone voice.
“No, I’m fine, forget it. Let’s talk about it later. I just met him today, like right now.” I uttered back with a wink.
And now. The moment is awkward. Nobody’s talking. Age check, I’m 24, he looks like 27, with maybe a single kid and angelic wife as well. Mirror check, we would look good together. But why is he broken hearted? He must be a cheater or his wife is. I don’t know. At this time, all I know is that I wanna forget about my ex, go out with these two at the bar or some place I can totally forget, or may be just go out with Daniel. That would be unfair to Claire though.
I scribbled a note at the back of my coffee receipt. I’l put this in my diary later.
THIS IS THE GREATEST BREAK UP I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. DANIEL IS LIKE AN INSTANT COMFORT. I WISH WE CAN BE TOGETHER.