Sulat Mula sa Puso Para kay Chris

“For the 24th Letter is the 2nd Major Heartbreak”

Dahil mahirap ituloy ang isang simulang natapos na pala, inilahad ko na lamang ito sa isang papel, isinilid sa bote ng alak, ipininid at hindi hinayaang makahinga ng ilang sandali, hinalikan ang takip, sabay itinapon sa kalawakan ng dagat. It may not sound so eco-friendly, but excuse my heart for filling a bottle with trashed feelings and some spoiled love. Handwritten in red, sealed by so much emotion, by now it must be on its way. For whoever may get it, may love finds you on the right time, for love is not just about how happy your heart is, it’s also about how happy you once were. It’s not just pure happiness in the first place, it’s a compromise, a give and take and a bunch of understanding. Love stands out balanced between lovers and you know its true, when it’s never selfish.

Isang buwan na rin pala halos ang nakakaraan. Napakaraming nangyari pero walang tumatak maliban sayo. On the 12th day of February was one of the most ecstatic days of my life if you only knew. It was 3 days before Valentines when cupid struck his arrow twice. The moment I met you, there were hopes. You know that I had been praying so hard and I had so much love in my heart that I didn’t know whom to give it to. That day, you cooked pasta for me, that day I first saw you smile, the moment we looked at each other’s eyes. I knew it was love. I was never a believer of love at first sight but then you happened, and everything else crumbled like a nerve to me, unexplainable but true. The moment went on, hours passed but we never got tired of exchanging stories while watching Masterchef. That was probably awkward to think, but while your eyes were stuck on tv, mine was stuck on you.

Your smile seemed like a baby, cute with some chiseled dimples. Your eyes were tired but expressive, your blonde dyed hair complimented your skin tone that made your Portuguese features stood out further. But more than studying your physical details, I studied your norms, your gesture, how you talk, cause I knew then that would have mattered most and by the time I was done, and I was about to say something, you kissed me… Do you remember how sweet that was?

The second day was even sweetier as we found comfort in each others arms. There were tears of unsaid feelings. There were laughters in between. There were moments of silence. There were akward moves, and lots of extraordinary emotions I wouldn’t possibly write like this. We would find each other sleeping tight after some hushy cuddles, with our hands criscrossed. You might have not noticed but there was one time I was just watching you while you were asleep, and my thoughts were busy rumbling what’s waiting next. There was so much love to the point that I had given up even my second best. I gave up everything. I trusted your words. I felt back your love. We would call over the phone when we miss each other. Though I had fears, I still thought then you were the answer. You said you were tired of being anyone’s secret, and that for me was an assurance. Do you remember how happy we were?

And days, went by, I got totally fallen.

I’d loved you for what you are and for what you are not. I tried to compromise. I’d been very vocal about how I feel for you and I would consider this by far as my second true love. I loved you Chris. It breaks me to learn that it’s over. 😦 I am not like your robot collection who can move on in just a snap. I don’t wanna go back to our misunderstanding, but I just wanna count the ways on how I’d loved you, cause these things make me happy and make you be missed.

I’d loved you for you bring out the best in me and I remember one time you said : “How I wish you are mine.” It truly melted me. I’d been writing about you and filling my diary with sweet memories for me to lean back someday. I’d loved you for the signs I asked from God came across me. 

I would remember you every Valentines day, for you are my sweetest date ever. That day we killed hours in TimeZone Cubao singing random songs; that day we ate a not-so-yummy pasta at Pizza Hut Gateway, that day we planned to buy a couple Gola shoes on sale; those will be treasured.

I would miss bringing over some doughnuts to you after work. Seeing you smile was such a relief. Just seeing you would be enough, whatever your mood is.

I would miss your touch, your caress, your wisdom and your tired but expressive eyes. I still don’t know how to make you cry. I haven’t seen you ever did, and guess what, I just dreamt that you did last night.

In my mind, I had woven a plan for us. I had managed to stay in love despite my regular workload…for I was inspired to learn that I’ve got a home with you to return to. When we fought, I couldn’t bear it in my heart, like I nearly fell out of sight when I said “I wanna go home.” …and I realized, after some shutting of doors, that you are my home. Did you ever feel how sad that was?

I would miss how you talk like a baby, mimic like a kid, your addiction to anime’ and how you own the expression “Promise to Jesus”. Promise, that is so yours. I would end up an epic failer after several attempts. Would you ever remember how funny that was?

I would miss our small cute fight, that always ends up with a hug. Can we not just go back?

I still can’t believe it’s over. And now I am back to square one. It’s not easy to move on when things run too fast. It pains me to know that you are not mine now, you may never were, and I don’t understand how an ordinary bad day would put an end to it. I used to think that it’s not really the reason why things changed, your facebook shows it all, but I never mind it. There’s no point of knowing what really happened. It’s crystal clear that we can no longer get back to where we started.

I cried not because it’s over, I really mean crying because you happened. At least for the second time, I recognized love: how wonderful it is, and how painful endings are.

Totoo nga na ang taong magdudulot sayo ng sobrang kaligayahan ang sya ring magbibigay sayo ng sobrang kalungkutan. And by the moment I let this go out of my hand, I then officially let go of you too. Nasa puso ko ang walang hanggang pasasalamat sa pag-ibig na kahit naudlot ay nakatatak na sa akin. Sana ay malaman mo, na kahit sa isang piraso ng papel na ito, na IKAW ang pinili ko. You may not understand the whole thing, but you still got my back no matter what happens. I’m gonna go on living and loving. For the last time, I just want you and the whole world to know that I’d loved you, and that did matter. Hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita. ;(

LOVELOTS and LOVELOST,
COCO

Minsan mo na rin akong inalayan ng kanta. Ikaw pa rin ang maaalala ko kapag maririnig ko ito.