Letter no 32: Love, Friendship and Question Marks
In no particular order, thus these three words keep me going. As a sign of respect, admiration and gratitude, I wrote this letter to you my dear friend “Karl”. This is just right for you, for the whole world to know, from the bottom of my heart, that all I want is to save a heart from the complications of love, chaos of friendship and chains of question marks popping out of our head.
This time I didn’t intend to write to Michael as there have been you who have become more than Michael to me eversince.
Karl, we are caught in the situation where friendship is more than a treasure but rather a test. We are fighting to save a heart from hurting and eyes from shedding tears. We tried to stop, slow things down, talk for awhile but only to find out in the end that we are just running in circles. In times, like those, I just want you to know, that I prayed so hard and did my best to save you and save us from hate and negativities, and I thank you for the love and understanding.
When you feel down and blue, just feel it for sometime, it’s a therapy to cry temporarily. Look at the ceiling or glance up in sky. The world is so bright that it would make you feel up rather than down, and give a chance to the meadows, green grass and the plant I gave you from Vigan, it is so green just for you not to feel blue.
When you feel lost in friendship, we usually talk, and I would like you to know that I’ll be your talking machine that you can say whatever you wanna say, be it positive or negative, and if it’s the latter, we always draw out reasons why negative things happen. Just don’t let it devour you. Life is good as what I always say.
When you feel obsessed with love, think of those in a relationship who quarrel, think of married couple who fight in front of their children, and think of the word “break-up” as your sign. Some unfortunate mistaken lovers eventually break up, some couple are meant to be divorced and that’s a good thing for friendship, there’s no break up, no rules, just pure intentions of caring, no hard feelings in the future. Not that I’m saying relationships are meant to fail, I’m just saying it’s worse than you could ever imagine. And I am your friend, who is protecting you from those harm, from those worst feelings in the world, and I just loved you so much the way you are, as a friend, no labels, no other complicated titles, a brotherly friend whom you can certainly depend on.
You asked me one time. Why can’t we be together? The answer is another question,- “Why?”
We are happy being like this. We fight, we apologize, we confess, we cry to each other, we laugh out loud, we have managed to live seeing each other almost everyday. Let’s admit it, relationships are bounded by rules and I don’t want it to limit us as friends. Eventually, I would be out of your sight, you would meet other aqcuaintances, people would come and pass our way, but that’s life, and the greatest thing about it is: we are living. We still exist, no matter how hard the stone life throws us, we are standing, and I will always understand as long as I’m here and I promise that if one day, I’m out of your sight, it’s literal, I’m just out of your sight, you may not see me often, but you won’t be out of my heart. That’s me Karl, I treasure every single memories of friendship, even those adversities, because that builds us further.
I guess I love you so much more as a friend than any labels in the world could offer, just as I do with my other friends and it always pains me more than you ever know when you take all the responsibilities of this mess as we both know, it’s no one’s fault.
Love for me is something innate. something you just feel and no questions ask. You just feel it. Yes we have standards but those won’t all matter when love comes in the right way and time, and person. We sometimes feel something innate that we label love but we feel it to a wrong person, we sometimes feel something innate that we label love but it’s not the right time nor the right place. There are presumptions within, and it just prepare us for the right person, the right time and the right place. It happens to me too. It happens to you and to everyone else. You just can’t go on dancing tango alone.
And in those times of questions, I’d like you to know that I questioned myself too and I saw no answers, then I realized probably because I just don’t really feel it, probably because of post traumatic stresses from previous relationship or there’s so much more on my plate to prioritize, or that I know myself well and I don’t want to cause you any inconvenience, or I see love ever as complicated for gays, or there came a time I didn’t believe for it, probably it’s all about me, or just the fact that I questioned myself, it’s not love. Love should be felt without any questions, excuses or reasons. It’s not a ’cause’ but rather an ‘effect’ for which the cause is unknown. At the end of it all, you don’t define love nor put it into quantity, biologically, we just need someone to be with.
Sometimes too, it’s hard to do things when you’re caught in the web of the situation, I super understand that and I admire you for staying stronger. It doesn’t take time, it takes an attitude, the notion and thinking of what should be done.
When you feel lonely, think of the good times we had and your other circle of friends had with you. Why would we be lonely when there is an option to be happy.
Friendship is something everyone possesses for as long as you flock together, embrace the good qualities and correct the bad things. I may not be perfect, but with have these all said, I am not at least fake, and imperfections make a person perfect. I may have done mistakes to you or to everyone, but I know how to apologize, lower my ego and realize, and that’s pretty cool and normal.
I would forever be sorry for all the pains and I swear to God that it’s not my intention to cause you that. I may feel the same pain as you do, but I never mind those cause I know it’s twice the pain that you feel, and I want to wake up one day that everything is fine and we don’t have to deal with this over and over. Trust me, we can do this. Just keep holding on and we’ll pass this test. The water is deep and turbulent so keep your head above it.
I would forever be thankful for the unconditional love, for the trust, and memories kept.
I care for you so much, and that is nothing but the truth.
If there’s a God for people like us, he would certainly save us for sure. Smile, this thrills make life good, or even better. Imagine life without this, it would be boring. hehehe.
I wish you all the best and keep our boat floating.